Discernment Counseling Does What Now?

“I’m worried about making such an important decision in just 5 short sessions!” is a comment I often hear when people ask about Divorce Discernment.

They’re even further shocked when I tell them most of my clients make a confident decision about their relationship by session 3 or 4.

Let me explain.

What is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment Counseling is a type of therapy for couples where one partner is ready for divorce or separation and the other is wanting to save the relationship. The terminology for this dichotomy is: one partner is leaning out (towards divorce) and the other partner is leaning in (towards the marriage.)

The therapy is designed to take place in five 80 minute sessions, in which partners meet with the therapist both one one one time and with their partner.

Please note: Divorce Discernment is not Couples Counseling. It is not supposed to, nor will it change anything in your relationship (Doherty & Harris, 2017).

WHAT!?

Yup you read that correctly. Participating in this type of therapy requires a significant mindset shift on the part of the couple and the therapist.

The purpose of Divorce Discernment is twofold:

1)     It is designed to hold space for your and your partner’s uncertainty and ambivalence toward couples counseling while helping you gain clarity about your relationship patterns and confidence about your decision (Doherty & Harris, 2017).

2)     Divorce Discernment is designed to save you time, effort, and money. While one of you is considering divorce no significant relational change can occur. Couples Counseling wouldn’t work.

Gaining Clarity

You need to make up your mind before trying Couples Counseling as a last ditch effort. Do you want out or do you want in? Or maybe you need more time to mull it over. There is that option you know. You can keep the status quo and do nothing.

Even though this limbo counseling which holds space for two people who want very different outcomes isn’t designed for change, it is powerful enough for insight. It often provides insight for both the leaning in and leaning out partner to really see the big picture of how they contribute to the relationship as it is now.

Having Confidence

They say knowledge is power and knowing your piece of the puzzle in your relationship will set you up for success moving forward—no matter the choice made.

If you move toward couples therapy, you’ll already be one step closer to change because you’ll see what needs to be done. Many couples who have made the decision to move forward with couples counseling have affectionally dubbed their Divorce Discernment days as valuable “pre-counseling”.

If you move toward divorce, you’ll know what you need to work on personally before starting a new relationship. Patterns will repeat themselves until they are dealt with, no matter who you are with. You can’t divorce yourself.

If you keep the Status Quo, the insight itself has changed the system slightly, so it’s not really the same old status quo. Often partners who choose the status quo, choose to delay making a decision about their relationship until a few months of personal counseling are under their belts.

Conclusion

The best part of doing Discernment Counseling with a trained professional is they can see the big picture of your relationship almost immediately. And they gently guide you both towards insight. When your decision is made, Discernment Counselors will help you put together a concrete plan for how you both want to move forward. If you want to start couples counseling, you’ll leave Discernment Counseling with a professional opinion of how you and your partner contribute to the relationship cycles. If divorce is chosen, the discernment counselor will help you set up preliminary boundaries and refer to a mediator or a family lawyer.

Still have questions? Give me a call! 682-747-6166

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