Are We Compatible?

“Are we compatible?” is a common question I hear when couples start counseling.

The unspoken alternative is, Or should we call it quits?

I find this question of compatibility interesting. Compatible based on what?

Your birth signs? Personality inventories? My opinion?

None of these options are reliably backed by research.

In my years of working with couples there is more than meets the ear to this question about compatibility.

People don’t really want to know if they line up with each other on paper. Their fear wants to know this.

Fear needs to know because they’re terrified they’re destined to live a life side by side with a person, but never connect emotionally.

Fear needs to know because they’re worried they may never experience deep intimate security with another person.

Sit with that.

Does it fit?

It’s not codependent to feel this way.

We are wired to connect with each other but have forgotten how.

Perhaps our past gets in the way.

Maybe it’s something in our present, like too much screen time or work.

The tide is changing. Society is valuing relationship more.

Love is the number one reason for marriage these days.

But people don’t know how to connect. It’s an art form that must be learned.

It has nothing to do with compatibility.

Once you learn how to see and be seen. You can be as different as the wind and rain and still feel cozy with each other.

This is not codependency. It’s emotional maturity.